When Grief Doesn't Make Sense

We all understand that grief is a normal part of large losses, like the death of a loved one, but so many of life’s griefs arise from seemingly smaller situations. Others cannot always see what has happened in our lives, and we may not understand why it has hit us so hard. Though we can’t explain it, we find ourselves grieving.

In those moments, it’s easy to step into self-judgment about how we feel or how long it’s taking us to process our grief. Because it seems hard to explain to others, we can assume they must be judging our process. We become self-critical rather than self-compassionate. Why is this hitting me so hard? What’s wrong with me, that I’m so impacted by things that shouldn’t be so hard to navigate? Why can’t I just be strong and pull it together?

This dissonance between how we think we should feel and how we do feel makes it even harder to share our journey with others or to be at peace within ourselves.

The truth is, we are each uniquely complex. And what we experience today is informed by the backdrop of all that’s come before. While God is mighty to heal our hearts and restore our hope and faith in him, that doesn’t mean we move forward in life without an awareness of our previous griefs and losses. It doesn’t mean that a season that mirrors a previous pain won’t hit complexly.

We don’t get to choose how deeply something impacts us. What hits hard for me may feel like a minor bump in the road for you. What we do get to choose is our response. Will we shove it down and tell ourselves to get over it, just because it doesn’t make sense? Or will we have compassion for our own journey and bravely walk through the process of healing with Jesus?

This dilemma is especially true when what we grieve is not obvious or public or universally difficult, because we can feel acutely aware that our struggle might not make sense to others. Years ago, when our daughter experienced a trauma, most of what we were grieving and processing could not be shared with almost anyone. Even still, I do not share the details of her journey publicly, because it is not my story to tell.

I also didn’t have words or understanding enough, at that time, to assess the compound impact of more subtle aspects of our experience—things like loss of friendships, inability to make others believe us, the weight of injustice, the rapidity with which people we trusted assumed the worst of us, the scapegoating of victims cloaked in Christian piety. Before then, I’d never felt what it is to feel helpless to defend oneself (or one’s child) in the face of injustice.

In the years since then, Jesus has been so faithful to heal our hearts! He has worked miracles in and for us, and I will never stop being thankful. (More on that in my book.) That journey of healing started with accepting where we were and surrendering the process to him. Our grief was real and deep, even if we couldn’t explain it or make it make sense to others.

Jesus knew. 

When what we’re facing is hidden, Jesus sees. When we don’t have the words to explain, Jesus understands. It’s so important to acknowledge that grief comes in many shapes. Yes, grief is normal after the death of a loved one or a divorce, but grief also often accompanies these experiences:

·      Major life transition

·      Being unable to achieve a goal and fulfill a dream

·      A diagnosis

·      Long-term illness or pain

·      Not living the life we hoped we would live

·      Effects of big decisions, even if those decisions are for our good

·      Losing a job or switching careers

·      A friendship breakup

·      The person we were before something traumatic or life-altering happened

·      Moving

·      A transition in our beliefs

·      Voicelessness and injustice

·      The loss of trust for those we once looked up to

This list is not exhaustive, but I hope it is freeing. Today, I want you to know that whatever you’re grieving, it makes sense to Jesus.

He understands you, and he is not afraid of or impatient with your journey. “A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out…” (Isa. 42:3 NIV). Instead, he wants to walk with you in it. His response is always compassion, and he knows how to heal our hearts. Jesus declares over us:

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light (Matt. 11:28–30 NIV).

Often, the first step toward healing is accepting the reality of what we feel and surrendering it and our process to Jesus. When we stand in self-judgment about our response to hard circumstances, we prevent ourselves from facing the pain of it and embarking on the healing journey.

Jesus offers us a different way. He invites us to surrender to him the things that don’t make sense, because his peace transcends understanding (Phil. 4:7).

For more on this, check out Amy's book, The Way Back to Hope.

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